October 7, 2003

rods and staffs.

i usually find myself blogging in my head while i'm driving, especially to work, especially at 5:30 am. today, it was about the fog and the misty sun rising despite the haziness. a diffused clarity behind the tennessee hills. i find meaning and sustenance in these things.

because yesterday was a day of panic. it was a day of the invisible strong arms of depression pinning to me to my bed, daring me to just try getting out of it. i couldn't fight. i stayed in bed. i simply couldn't move.

jude called and caught me in my choking tears. she prayed for enough rods and staffs to guide me out of bed and into the day. helen taught me how to breathe. and i got up. put in a call to my therapist of 'help'. sent marlei an SOS email. my ship was going down. fast.

oh and my brakes went out too. sandy came alongside me, and drove me home from the goodyear place. she took me to my emergency counseling session. julie gave me a ride home. rachel bought me dinner and made me laugh. marlei reminded me of how loved i am.

and i was miraculously able to breathe last night. i got work done and even laughed and meant it. jude's prayers were answered. i was led and comforted by the rods and staffs of those who really love me.

God carried me. i did not fall off the edge in my despair. i don't have much else to say today, other than a small churchbell proclamation: i am still here. and i hear something like a small whisper in my ear that sounds like health. that sounds like wholeness. that sounds like hope and october. a diffused clarity.

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