October 25, 2007

twas the night before my birthday

thursday night, 9 pm. i'm settled in on the front porch under the bright white light of a full moon. spock the feral kitten is trying over and over again to fit on my lap, on top of my computer. over and over i set him down. such a far cry from a month ago, when we inched closer and closer to try to touch him, only to have him scamper off.

instead of a whiskey and a cigarette, i've got a bottle of water by my side. is this me?

this is me. teetotaling bananie. it's chilly tonight, hoodie weather, i.e. perfect smoky drinky weather. i miss the burn down my throat. i sip my water. i did attempt to heat a cup of yogi tea in the microwave, but i accidentally used a (favorite) non-microwavable mug, and it, along with the tea, is burned. it is sitting on the counter, smelling like cloves and burn. mmm.

it's the night before my 29th birthday, and i am pregnant. my belly is poochy and my boobs are becoming unrecognizable. and all day, i wear this damp blanket of nausea. i've become something other than before. my body is changing so rapidly; i don't recognize myself. who is this tired girl who cries at just the thought of tears? how did i become someone who wants to vomit when she thinks about eating chicken?

marlei reminded me last night that i am already a mother. even with a seven week old blueberry incubating under my belly button. something within me has already shifted: my life is growing to be less and less about me every day my baby grows. i am wholly responsible for the life of another. a life that i purposely created.

tomorrow is the last birthday of my twenties. and it is the last birthday without sparky in my arms. s/he will be 4 months old this time next year. i cannot wrap my mind around this. another wave of queasiness takes me over. will i vomit??? not this time.

tomorrow, we go for our first big prenatal appointment. we will get to see sparky again...for the first time. an actual sparky, not just a sparky sac. it is like christmas. i don't know how i'll sleep tonight. wait. i'm pregnant. i will sleep just fine.

for now, here is sparky two weeks ago:
meet sparky.

Posted by bananie at October 25, 2007 7:59 PM |

Advanced Happy Birthday! This is such a wonderful entry about your mullings-over about where you are in your life - it's great to put things in perspective every now and then. I am glad to have "virtually" introduced myself to you those years ago.

Posted by: Lawrence at October 25, 2007 9:01 PM

a very happy birthday to you, my friend.

Posted by: amber at October 26, 2007 9:23 AM

bet you ever had such a wonderful gift....x

Posted by: Paul at October 27, 2007 1:57 AM

Around 20 or so weeks you can start indulging in a glass of wine or a beer again. And to those who offer disapproving looks and/or comments, you say that it helps counteract all the coffee you've drunk that day.
This is fun!

Posted by: Rachel at October 27, 2007 10:35 AM

Chicken, seriously? My sis-in-law hated the thought of chee-kun as well when she was carrying Oz. Thanks for your thoughts - they're beautifully written, as usual.

Love to you.

Posted by: Cerise at November 5, 2007 11:19 AM
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