October 13, 2007

two days late, but.

it's saturday morning on the front porch, 9 am. still cool enough to wear a jacket out here. nextdoor neighbor hector's grandson sings to himself in his front yard. a feral kitten (named sulu) sits in our front yard, too nervous to approach the porch for food.

have i mentioned we are feeding an evergrowing colony of feral cats and one possum? it's hilarious.

meanwhile, a yellowjacket has been hounding me for the past several minutes, crawling on my bare foot, my head, walking across the top of my computer. fun! i refuse to move, though. it is simply too gorgeous out here today.

i apologize for the long bit of time between posts lately. in our movable type upgrade, something funky happened, and i can only sometimes access the "body" field of the entry page. my beautiful, gorgeous webmaster is looking into the issue, but this morning, i got lucky. and so here i am.

i woke up early this morning, excited and inspired to start the day. my mind lately has been showing off its bipolar skills of joy and fear, and today, joy wins.

so much to say.

october 11 was national coming out day, and there was a story i wanted to tell.

my coming out story has always been about the unthinkable.

my life is unthinkable.

i stayed inside the proverbial closet until i was 24 because i was afraid there would be no way for me to live my life with integrity as a lesbian. it seemed incongruous with everything i was taught to be true. i would surely lose every sense of security and love and hope if i chose the dark side.

but. as we all know: i did the unthinkable. i opened the closet door. and everyone i thought i'd lose--my family, my closest friends--sat waiting on the other side of that door. mostly, the reaction was confusion, and then a shrug of "oh ok". i never expected that my coming out of the closet would be such a non-issue for most of the people i love.

and then i did the unthinkable again. i fell in love with a woman, and chose her over a life of celibacy. and i didn't hide this fact. helen is my lover, my best friend. my partner in every sense of the word.

surely God would strike me down, right? negative. or maybe i would be sent somewhere outside his blessing and protection? also negative. apparently, being gay is not the exception to a God's promise never to leave or forsake. all i know is that God is right where he always was in my heart, and it's some of his people who have wanted to strike me down (and say God told them to do it). it's people who would condemn me outside of God's protection. and it is people who would tell me that my whole life is a lie and a sin.

have you ever sensed God smiling on you?

once again, i have chosen to do the unthinkable. some of you already know this story.

i have mentioned here and there that helen and i want to have a family. we have discussed--and even entered into the process of--adoption, only to step back and wait for what made sense as the next step for us. i have also mentioned the fact that my biological clock has been ticktocking very loudly over the past year or two. after lots of discussion and hesitation, we decided to try to have a baby ourselves, with a donor. i would star as the fertile womb.

only, it wasn't that easy. we found a donor and prepared our families with the news. we found a great doctor. and then i had ovulation issues, so we brought in a fertility drug, which didn't work at first.

at first. on the vernal equinox last month, two days before the harvest moon--the 10th anniversary of my father's passing--i conceived.

dear readers, it's true. i am pregnant. with a baby. a growing, real baby living just below my belly button.
holy shit, right?

my mind lately has been showing off its bipolar skills of joy and fear, and today, joy wins.

it is very early in my pregnancy. sparky--as we have named the embryo--is just a little lentil bean right now, and is very vulnerable. i already had a scare earlier this week when i bled and cramped and was certain i'd miscarried. and then i found out that sparky is still in there, thriving. this was confirmed with our first ultrasound yesterday, where we saw a little black dot in my uterus. there is life in my belly.

i haven't even begun to understand what it means that i will be having a baby this june. but i have let myself hope that i will carry sparky to term, and give birth to a healthy child...which means that i am no longer childless. helen is no longer childless. we will be parents with a baby. once again: holy shit.

i am sharing our scary/hopeful/beautiful/unfathomable/true story here because it is just another step out of that closet of shame. we are building a family just as real as any other. i am so confident that i am living a good and true life that i am willing to bring another human being into it. and God has blessed us with sparky the lentil bean.

and it is good.

Posted by bananie at October 13, 2007 8:09 AM |

God has indeed blessed you, and we's feeling mightily blessed on your behalf. It's great news, you'll be the world's bestest mums, and I couldn't be happier for lovely you!


Posted by: Steve at October 13, 2007 9:31 AM

So awesome, I'm so happy for you guys. May you have a safe and blessed pregnancy.

Posted by: Curtis at October 13, 2007 11:28 AM

I think it is all beautifully thinkable, actually.

Let there be Sparky.

Posted by: oneofhismoms at October 13, 2007 6:38 PM

Wow. What an inspiring post! Isn't it wonderful that nothing can separate us from the love of God?

Posted by: Brian at October 13, 2007 9:04 PM

Holy crap! :)


Amazing really.

I will be saying prayers for the little speck.

Posted by: Amy at October 14, 2007 10:43 AM

I came to visit your blog after your commenting on mine own. Thank you for that. You are blessed, indeed. To have a loving partner, to have loving & accepting family and friends, to have a lentil named sparky, and most especially, to have maintained your relationship with God in spite of the Church working so hard to push us away. May you have peace and joy in your journey to parenthood. Holy shit is right! :)

Posted by: RaJen at October 14, 2007 2:19 PM

Congratulations to you both! I'm so happy and excited for you.

Posted by: Lisa at October 14, 2007 6:29 PM

am sat with jude.....reading of your journey. have been given permission to say.....

fucking beautiful

happy happy day

Posted by: Paul at October 15, 2007 4:21 PM

Once again here, congratulations doesn't seem like a big enough word. I know it's early, but I'm going to go ahead and start a quilt anyway.
Love you! Lisa
P.S.(Have you listened to Natalie Merchant's "Wonder" yet?)
P.P.S Nothin' beats those bipolar "up" days!

Posted by: Lisa C at October 15, 2007 7:53 PM

Wow! Congratulations. What a beautiful post.

Maybe this is too big of a question, but may I ask how you decided which of you would carry the baby?

Posted by: *Kate at October 16, 2007 10:54 AM

Oh how lovely!!!! : )

Posted by: Lori at October 16, 2007 11:14 AM

Congrats! Here's to a sticky little spark.

Posted by: Sacha at October 16, 2007 11:55 PM

wow fantastic news - amazing.. congratulation, Katie,x

Posted by: rainbow dreams at October 17, 2007 4:16 PM

Yay! I'm so happy for you two...err...three!

Posted by: nicole at October 18, 2007 3:34 PM

hey i found out about this on flickr! great news! congratulations xxx

P.S. i so love that 'oh, god didn't kill me after all!' vibe.

Posted by: shirley at October 21, 2007 3:35 PM

Oh nanner, how great. Congratulations to you all.
(hi sparky)
Im crackin' the door, and unsure whos on the other side..

Posted by: killedasouthernbelle at October 25, 2007 7:00 AM

Boy, am I ever late to this party. Blessings to you, Helen and Sparky. May your tum be safe haven until it's time for the little one to introduce themselfs. And thank you for the story, love. Blessings as well on your union.

Posted by: Cerise at October 25, 2007 11:22 AM

oh my GOD! i saw your "hormonal pregnant woman" on flickr and had to do a double-take! congratulations to you & schmelen!!! i'm so happy for you two on becoming you three!!!

your coming out story was inspirational as well. mine didn't go nearly as well as yours. but that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

congratulations again to you both. i'm so excited for you. may you all be richly blessed with love and happiness... and it looks like you're well on your way there!

Posted by: melissa mcgee at October 29, 2007 8:45 PM
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